“Power is of two kinds. One is obtained by the fear of punishment and the other by acts of love. Power based on love is a thousand times more effective and permanent than the one derived from fear of punishment.” Mahatma Gandhi
This quote beautifully encapsulates the idea I will explore in this article.
Have you ever asked yourself 'how can my child follow my instructions without any resistance?' Well I think as fathers, this crosses our minds quite often. I hope to share some insights I have gathered about this.
There is a parenting concept that I learnt from the book Hold on to Your Kids written by Dr Gabor Mate and Dr. Gordon Neufeld. This is the concept of parenting power. In a nutshell this is the power that enables a parent to connect with their child, nature them, direct them and raise them up in the right way, without coercion or force.
Dr Gabor Mate and Dr Gordon Neufeld define power, in the parenting context as “the spontaneous authority to parent” in their book ‘Hold on to Your Kids”. They add that “this spontaneous authority flows not from coercion or force but from an appropriately aligned relationship with a child. The power to parent arises when things are in their natural order, and it arises without effort, without posturing, and without pushing. It is when we lack that power that we are likely to resort to force. The more power a parent commands, the less force is required in day-to-day parenting. On the other hand, the less power we possess, the more impelled we are to raise our voices, harshen our demeanor, utter threats, and seek some leverage to make our children comply with our demands.
They explain the importance of parenting power, that “Power is absolutely necessary for the task of parenting…There is no way of understanding the dynamics of parenting without addressing the question of power…“The power we have lost is the power to command our children’s attention, to solicit their good intentions, to evoke their deference and secure their cooperation. Without these four abilities, all we have left is coercion or bribery.”
In my opinion, the good news is that “The power to parent does not arise from techniques, no matter how well meant, but from the attachment relationship.”
“The secret of a parent’s power is in the dependence of the child…We cannot truly take care of a child who does not count on us to be taken care of, or who depends on us only for food, clothing, shelter, and other material concerns. We cannot emotionally support a child who is not leaning on us for his psychological needs. It is frustrating to direct a child who does not welcome our guidance, irksome and self-defeating, to assist one who is not seeking our help.”
We lose parenting power when we are not attached to our children. Dr Mate and Dr Neufeld put it this way “When attachment is displaced, dependence is displaced. So is, along with it, the power to parent.”
I have experienced all these dynamic aspects of parenting. I have had that sweet spot of power where my son joyfully follows the guidance and direction I give him. There are times I resort to coercion or forceful direction. My wife and I tend towards different extremes, she is on the bribery side while I tend toward the coercion side. Deep down we both know these are not sustainable ways to deal with the situation, however, sometimes you just want quick cooperation, to move to the next thing. The question remains, should we compromise for quick wins and end up losing the main battle? The best way, which I am always making an effort to get to, is exercising the legitimate parenting power that is born of relationship and not tyranny. It gladdens my heart when my son joyfully does what I request him to do, without coercion.
- “It is when we lack parenting power that we default to using force or bribery.
- Don’t get me wrong, there is a time to raise your voice and a time to discipline. As that proverb goes, spare the rod and spoil the child. However, if you do it all the time, the child will end up losing sensitivity to it and its purpose will not be achieved. The next time you raise your voice to warn them of real or imminent danger, they will ignore you since it is your usual posture. I think it is advisable to spare these interventions for when you will really need them, like for instance if you need to raise your voice to warn them to get out of the way of oncoming traffic.
- I think the real issue here is seeking to have a firm voice without yelling or raising the voice. It takes practice to achieve this and we may not do it perfectly all the time, but the idea is to keep working on it until we get good at doing it. Such that our child or children will in every sense of the word, hear our voice. They can tell when we are addressing them with firmness, with harshness, anger or love. We may err as fathers, however, we should make every effort to have them identify our voice with firmness, kindness, genuine concern and love towards them as opposed to anger, yelling, confusion, a voice that induces insecurity or fear. Indeed like the Scripture says, where there is fear, there is no love. Let your voice be the one that instills confidence in your son or daughter. “
The Bible in Ephesians 6:4 says “Fathers do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.” So in essence God expects us to treat our children in ways that do not provoke them to anger. Our guidance, discipline and instruction to them should be in a godly way that does not lead them to resent us, as their parents, for the actions we have done to them.
I wondered whether there is an animal that exhibits this quality of parenting. The interesting thing I find is that we can learn alot by observing the natural world. God, the Creator has put wisdom out there and expects us to find it and utilize it. The Scriptures in the book of Proverbs 6 encourage us to go look at the ant to learn a lesson in productivity. So by observing creation, we can also learn lessons in parenting as fathers.
In the animal kingdom, it is said wolves exhibit some exemplary parenting behaviours that we can learn from as fathers. The alpha male stereotype supposedly comes from people’s understanding of how male wolves behave. Generally an alpha male is described as a man who at every moment shows he is in control at home and who away from home can become aggressive. However, some experts who have observed wolves closely say that this is a misunderstanding. In an article in Reader’s Digest titled ‘Think You Know What “Alpha Male” means? These Wolves Will Prove You Wrong’ Carl Safina quotes a veteran wolf researcher Rick McIntrye as saying “the main characteristic of an alpha male wolf is a quiet confidence, quiet self-assurance. You know what you need to do; you know what’s best for your pack. You lead by example. You’re very comfortable with that. You have a calming effect.” Apparently alpha males are not aggressive. They don’t need to be, writes Safina. McIntrye adds “think of an emotionally secure man or a great champion. Whatever he needed to prove is already proven.
This kind of exemplifies the Preeminent Father, He does not need to prove anything to anyone, He just is and we experience His love, grace, mercy, justice, providence, generosity and guidance as our days unfold. He has the calm confidence of His fatherhood and I suppose the wolf takes after Him.
So as a father, this is a quality I aim to grow in. To have the parenting power. The quiet, calm, confidence that inspires security in my children as opposed to fear. I have it sometimes but some days I am not anywhere near being 'calm and confident' as I ought to be. The hope I have is that this is a quality I can pursue, keep learning and growing in.
- Like the Preeminent Father and the alpha male wolf, I should lead by example. It is not necessarily what I say but what I do that my kids pick up easily. Not to say we should not give verbal guidance to our kids, however, our actions as fathers and parents indeed speak louder than our words.
- My wife and I have been reminded time and again that when you think the kids are not watching or listening, think again. So the best way is to model the behaviour I would like my child to imitate. When I make mistakes, as surely as that does happen, I ensure to point it out so they can learn how to handle mistakes that they will make.
I encourage you to think about this quality. If you possess this power to parent in increasing measure, you will be able to raise up your children in the right way and set them up for success so that they can achieve their highest potential in life.
